Deep River
by EvaFlack001
Summary: "You are not an abomination." Mal tries to set RIver straight in the weeks following Miranda and the crew's horrific discovery there. Oneshot and my first attempt at Firefly writing. Please review.


**River Runs Deep**

He wasn't sure what woke him, making him sit up in the darkness, wide awake and instantly alert. Mal reached for his shirt and drew it on, slipping noiselessly out of his bunk and into Serenity's silent corridors. The crew quarters were silent, as they should be at this time, but Mal still peeped quietly into each bunk, just to make sure.

Jayne lay in a lump, snoring loudly, one arm hugging Vera tightly to his barrel chest. The sight made Mal's lips twitch involuntarily. The mercenary was dead to the world, but he knew that all he had to do was whistle and Jayne would be up and ready for action if necessary.

Zoe popped her head up when he peered down into her bunk, her tangled brown curls falling around her face as she silently turned on her dim light. "Sir?"

"Just checkin," Mal assured her, pretending not to notice that she had been curled around Wash's pillow, her face streaked with the tears she never allowed herself to shed during the day.

Miranda was still with them, he thought darkly, feeling a pang of grief in his chest for his dead friend. Zoe, mourning her husband and the life they would never have; Inara, her orderly existence shattered by the violent encounter. Jayne, whose deepest fear was of Reavers coming to finish him off; Kaylee, whose sunny nature had become more shadowed since she had seen the horror inflicted upon innocents in the name of the Alliance. Simon continued to try to help River to sort through the layers of borrowed memories and the depths of the Alliance programming, still slightly afraid of what other haunting secrets she might carry.

River, whose broken mind was healing, achingly slowly, still had moments of violent outbursts. This time, though, despite seeing her wielding bloody swords and surrounded by corpses, Serenity's crew were unafraid of her. They had all simply united to fix her, to save her they way she had saved them, even if they didn't quite understand how she had been programmed to be such a deadly weapon.

Kaylee's bunk wasn't empty, Mal thought grimly a few moments later as he quietly shut the door. His mechanic and his doctor were curled into each other, hands tightly entwined in sleep. He scrubbed a hand through his dark hair, wondering how on earth he was going to cope with romancing on his boat and all the complications that went with it. Also, there was the distinct possibility that Simon would now be distracted more often and not keep his eye on River quite as well as he had done before. That in itself could lead to all manner of problems, to Mal's way of thinking.

Still unable to shake off the feeling of unease, he continued to check on his crew, padding noiselessly about the ship. He was so attuned to Serenity, to her every vibration and movement that sometimes it seemed as if she were an extension of his own body, an extra limb. Vaguely embarrassed by his maudlin thoughts, Mal peered into Inara's shuttle, noting with concern the way she was lying in a tight ball, as if to hide herself somehow. She moved in her sleep, murmuring to herself and Mal saw her smooth brow furrow into a tiny frown. She suddenly relaxed, and uncurled herself, her breathing evening out a little until she was deeply asleep once more. Mal slid back into the corridor, unwilling to wake her.

When he got to River's bunk, he was both surprised and bothered to find it empty, the bed cold and perfectly made up. Finding the galley, infirmary and pilot's chair empty, he headed down to the cargo bay and stopped short at the sight that met him.

River sat alone in the middle of the empty floor, rocking back and forth and muttering frantically. "Not real, not mine, not anymore." The chant continued, over and over until she stiffened and sat perfectly still.

"Little bit late to be up and about," Mal said evenly, making his way down the stairs and stopping a few feet from her. He noted the pallor of her face and the dark circles under her large eyes and felt a pang of guilt that he hadn't really checked on the girl properly since Serenity had become airborne again.

"Didn't go to bed," River answered, not looking at him. "Couldn't sleep. Too many nightmares."

"I reckon Simon will give you something for them, little one," Mal said kindly, moving a little closer to her. "Want I should rouse him out of bed?"

"Not mine," River said quietly. "Mine are all gone." She gave him one of her rare but shockingly brilliant smiles. "Left mine on Miranda." Her smile turned to a frown. "Mostly anyway. Sometimes they still steal into my thoughts, like foxes in the hen house."

Mal sighed and resigned himself to the fact that he wasn't going back to bed anytime soon. "Reckon that's about normal, given what you've seen and felt."

River looked seriously at him. "Normal doesn't apply to me." She looked down at her hands. "I'm an abomination."

"Now there'll be none of that kind of talk on my boat," Mal said sternly, hating to see her look so defeated. "You ain't all there, that's rightly true enough, but you sure as hell ain't an abomination. Anybody says so, he'll answer to me."

River shrugged. "You don't know what to do with me either."

Mal considered that for a moment, before nodding. "True enough, but I ain't fixing to leave you stranded either. You and your brother are welcome on this ship for as long as you want."

"Simon's in love with Kaylee," River said as if she were telling him what they would eat for breakfast. "He won't leave her now."

"I reckon if'n your brother knew you needed him, he'd leave her long enough to tend to you," Mal said gruffly, hating the bleak look in her eyes and the way she was hunching her thin shoulders. She was too young, too fragile to bear this constant darkness and the awful struggle she faced to claw her way out of it.

"Not now," River responded, her voice still flat and toneless. "Ever."

"I'm not understanding you, darlin'", Mal said, the endearment coming out before he could stop it. "Why don't you try talking in straight lines 'stead of round in riddles?"

"Love makes the world go round," River said in a singsong voice. "Simon to Kaylee, Kaylee to you, you to Zoe and Jayne, even Inara." She began to rock again. "Not River. No light and stars and fat babies for River. Can't." Her eyes were huge now, pools of confusion and anguish. "Abomination…"

Mal stared, horrified at her revelations. "River, you're part of the crew here." He sighed again, wishing that he was anywhere else and feeling strangely glad that he wasn't. "Now listen, and listen good, little one, because I've got no mind to say it again. You are not an abomination."

He didn't realise he was gripping her shoulders until she winced slightly and he immediately let her go, cursing to himself. "Gorram it, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"It's alright," River said quietly, uncurling herself and standing up in a fluid movement. "Should be in bed anyway."

"I conjure you should, at that," Mal said standing up himself.

"Not me," River retorted. "You." She began to walk towards the stairs, pausing at the bottom. "Nightmares keep you all awake. Need to sleep to function."

"You're back to not makin' sense," Mal told her, folding his arms.

"Nightmares," River said, climbing the steps and heading towards the lounge. "You, with your crew dead and scattered like fallen leaves. Jayne getting eaten. Inara not having a home…Serenity's heart failing and Kaylee unable to help…Simon watches Kaylee bleed to death…Zoe…" Here River stopped and looked down at him. "Hurts."

Mal's jaw dropped as he followed her, knowing that their nightmares were somehow bleeding their way into River's already fragile brain and hurting her. "You can feel all of that?"

River nodded miserably. "So much hurt, so much darkness. Can't be quantified, or explained. Just is." Tears began to pool in her eyes. "Can't make them go away."

"Time will do that," Mal offered, sinking down beside her on the sofa and wondering how on earth they were going to help her with this particular problem. Nightmares weren't exactly controllable, to his way of thinking. It was going to be a mite difficult to prevent a Reader from seeing the horrors manifesting in his crew while they slept.

"Can help," River said fiercely, knuckling her eyes like a tired child. "Can make them stop long enough to sleep."

Mal sat straight up on the sofa, his mind struggling to comprehend what she was saying. "You can…stop them?"

River shook her head. "Not stop. Steal." She smiled again, an empty smile that chilled Mal to the bone. "Like the memories, only real. Not mine, but I want them. Can help."

Mal realised with a sickening clarity that the nightmares had lessened in the last few weeks. He had thought that time was healing them, but now understood that River was somehow taking them into herself and trying to give them all some relief.

"You can do that?" He looked at her in horror.

River got to her feet and began to pace. "Not an abomination," she muttered. "Not…"

"River?" Simon appeared at the doorway, hair tousled from sleep, Kaylee at his side. He saw Mal's pale face and River's distress and his eyes turned icy. "What's going on here?"

"Not an abomination," River moaned, sinking to her knees. "Just wanted to make them stop. Need to sleep. Can't fly without sleep. Need the black."

"What did you say to her?" Simon asked accusingly, glaring at Mal and crossing to his sister's side. "River, mei mei, please. It's alright, I promise. I can give you something to help you sleep…"

"Simon, honey," Kaylee began, seeing that Mal was struggling to find words and instinctively knowing that whatever was in his head was vital. "Why don't you listen to the Cap'n. He's got something needs sayin'."

Simon turned that frosty glare back to Mal and raised one eyebrow pointedly. Beside him, River was trembling silently.

"Doc, I got no notion as to just what those hundans did to your sister," Mal began, " but she ain't quite right." He quickly outlined the bare bones of his conversation with River, watching as Simon and Kaylee both went pale and turned to the shaking girl on the floor.

"She can't help it," Simon snapped, putting protective arms about his sister and holding her against him. "In case you hadn't noticed, Captain, she's not quite herself right now."

"I've noticed, Doctor," Mal answered quietly. "And while we've been sleepin' all peaceful-like in our beds, she's been in the gorram cargo bay torturing herself so that we can continue to do just that."

Simon looked confused. "I don't understand."

"Your sister has somehow been 'taking' our nightmares from us," Mal snapped. "Now I don't know how in the sphincter of hell that's even possible, but she's doin' it."

Simon paled even further. "That's _not_ possible," he said slowly, looking at his sister, still sitting silently on the floor. "It's not…"

"Some folks would say that Readers don't exist either," Mal said quietly. "But _she_ does. Seems to me that you can't say for certain just what she's able to do."

"That's not quite the same," Simon argued. "What you're saying is virtually unheard of."

"Ain't nothin' impossible, honey," Kaylee said softly, coming to slip her hand into his, offering comfort in the only way she knew how. "You got no way of knowin' what those people did to her or how they played with her brain."

"River?" Simon addressed his mute sister. "Is this true?" When she curled around herself further, he hunkered down and touched her hair gently. "You can really do this?"

"Seems you've only barely scratched the surface of what she can do," Mal said shortly. He saw Kaylee's frown at his tone and heaved a sigh. "Let's just all get us some sleep now. That includes you, little albatross," he added sternly, aiming a glare at River. "Ship can't fly if it's pilot is all broken down from being awake all the time."

"Wanted to help," River said miserably, tears sliding down her face. "So much sacrifice, all for River. Can't say thanks."

The hurt in her enormous eyes made Mal's chest ache in a way that was all kinds of wrong, given that she was on his boat, under his protection and a member of his crew. "I can see that, little one," he said, keeping his voice calm and quiet. "But you can't sacrifice River for the good of the crew, or we've just gone through all that _go seh_ for nothin'."

"River?" Simon looked at his little sister. "You need to sleep, _mei mei_."

"Can't," River sang out, starting to rock again. "Have to have one awake to ward off the dreams. Can't sleep without dreaming."

Simon nodded soberly and got to his feet, helping River to hers and leading her towards the infirmary. "Let's just go and see what we've got to help, alright?"

Kaylee and Mal followed, both pretending not to see the silent misery echoing back and forth between the siblings. Mal didn't know which was more heartbreaking – when River resisted her brother's attempts to drug her or when she didn't.

* * *

Mal watched through the infirmary window as Simon attempted to get River to lie still long enough to administer an injection. She was clearly distressed, struggling and babbling nonsense about blue hands sending trays of equipment flying in her attempt to get away.

The noise had woken the rest of the crew by now. Zoe stood watching with her usual stoicism, ready to assist at a moments notice if necessary. Jayne and Inara were standing to one side, the mercenary's frown indicating his displeasure at being awoken.

Inara's dark eyes fixed on Mal, asking without words what had happened. Mal sighed and filled them in briefly, seeing the same shock and horror mixed with a healthy dose of unease cross their faces.

"Should we go in there?" Inara asked, folding her hands together gracefully and watching as River crouched in the corner, dark eyes grim with unleashed violence. "She could hurt him, Mal. You know she can do it."

Mal nodded grimly, the images of River whirling around in a graceful and vicious dance and taking out an entire room full of people still fresh in his mind. "Reckon she could, at that."

"Won't go to sleep," River shouted. "Needles make me sleep, nightmares come, no sleep."

"Simon, why don't you let her be," Kaylee said gently. "She's not like she used to be, honey. She's not quite as…bibbledy." She cast an apologetic look at River. "Well, you're not."

"I think lil' Kaylee has a right fine idea," Mal said, stepping into the room. "Doctor, why don't you let River decide what she wants." He turned back to the crew, still watching them. "Rest of you get back to bed. Show's over." When nobody moved, he barked the order again.

River watched him warily, still crouched in the corner. Mal turned to Kaylee and Simon. "P'rhaps you two might like to take a little walk."

Simon protested, but Mal cut him off with a level stare. "Don't recall that it was a request, Doctor."

Kaylee tugged on Simon's hand. "Come on, Simon. Cap'n might be able to get her to sleep. You're too scrambled up just now." She led him out of the room with a nod to Mal. "Call us if you need us, Cap'n."

Mal turned his attention back to the girl who watched him intently. "Bit more peaceful like now," he remarked calmly, wincing as he lowered himself to the floor among the scattered vials and potions and leaned back against one of the cabinets.

River frowned. "Tricks," she said accusingly, turning dark eyes to his. "Won't sleep."

Mal nodded. "Fair enough." He shifted to make himself comfortable. "We'll just sit then."

River still looked suspicious. "Need to keep watch."

"Two brains are better than one," Mal said mildly. He gave her a crooked smile. "Although, your brain's probably worth ten of mine, being as how you're a genius and all."

River answered his smile with one of her own, making her look suddenly younger, more like the child she'd never been. "Compliments won't soften me," she told him, unaware that her body had relaxed slightly.

Mal continued to talk, rambling stories about the worlds he'd visited and the things he'd seen, careful to keep the conversation light enough to make her ask questions and forget about the tortured wanderings of her mind.

River listened, soothed by the deep timbre of his voice, finding herself drawn to it like a moth to a flame. The vibrations of it fascinated her and she wondered what it would feel like under her ear if she put her head on his chest.

Mal watched her cock her head to the side in that curious way of hers, long dark hair falling over one thin shoulder and grazing her arm. She was leaning forward slightly, murmuring to herself softly. He made out the words voice and chest and kept talking about nothing in particular. Moments later, he was rewarded when River scooted a little closer and settled her head against his shoulder. He lowered his voice even further, and noticed with satisfaction that her huge eyes were growing heavier.

River inched closer to her target, watching the rise and fall of Mal's chest and so single minded in her focus that she didn't realise he was watching her. Warily, she paused, ear millimetres from the warmth, and he took a deep breath, pushing against her ear and River shuddered at the sensation without knowing why.

Mal smiled as River melted bonelessly onto his chest, eyes closed. Satisfaction speared through him at having managed to calm her without Simon's needles and pills. Her breathing relaxed and she sank into sleep like a child. Mal brushed a lock of hair from her face and gently shifted her into his arms so he could stand up and deposit her somewhere more comfortable.

River stirred and curled her fingers into his shirt, muttering about vibrations and sounds and he grinned as he laid her gently on the infirmary bed and covered her with a blanket. He turned to leave and River's hand shot out, grabbing him by the wrist. She brushed her fingers over the pulse and smiled again, sighing softly. "Beat soothes the soul."

Mal pulled up a chair and settled into it, allowing her to sleep, all the while watching her hand clamped around his wrist and wondering just when in gorram hell he had started having not so captainy feelings for River Tam.


End file.
